rennervated

Dreaming by day, doing by night

Lost — May 9, 2015

Lost

This post is about my life right now. Chandler will be able to explain it in a sentence, but do read more. 🙂

Staying awake after hours is no walk in the park. In fact, it is a walk in the dry desert with dust storms and your feet getting stuck in sand. Especially if staying awake after hours includes a ‘fun’ list of activities such as tackling algebraic sums or learning the merits and demerits of useless topics. As I entered my last year in school, I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. I had been forewarned by a number of peers that the last year is going to be the worst. There is not only the pressure of getting into a good university, but also a number of other factors.

Lately, I have been trying to figure myself out, learn what I really am, and what I actually want to be.If anyone asked me to describe myself right now, my retort would be that I am conflicted, confused, lost and scared. That does not really boost my self confidence.

Somehow, when you’re trying to answer your calling, the line is dead or someone else is on the other line.

Often, there are times when you will feel alone and clueless, in spite of the number of people trying to reach out to you and make you feel better. You feel like you will never be able to be a unique and strong individual, with layers of personality- the stuff good storybook characters are made of.

To make things worse, people around you are chasing their dreams, setting the stage for their grand entrance into the real world (Where they all turn out to be successful and happy, of course) and there I sit listening to their plans when I don’t even have a pla. When I close my eyes and try to think of what I will become, I see a much older version of myself sitting in the same classroom wearing the same school uniform.

There are other days, when I think, “Am I not reading the signs properly?” But if there was a sign, it should be an obvious one. Or else how is one supposed to know whether what she wants and needs is the same thing? For me, the sign shoud not be able to escape my eyes, like a gust of wind picking up autumn leaves circling my feet and the sun rays falling on my dreams, and of course, a choir singing in the background. Is that asking for too much?

I will not say I have been completely alone in this battle, I have had plenty of help. But the help and advice and the kind words of encouragement seem to make it even worse, and before I know it, I’m at the bottom of this huge abyss, calling out for help, a million hands fighting over who gets to save me, and I stay forever in the lonely abyss of doom.

I wish I could skip these few ‘crucial’ years and see what I become in the future so I could work towards that. I wish that in the world there was no wrong job or right job for a person, and everyone did whatever they wanted to. But then life would be easy.

And we absolutely cannot have that! I guess that’s what makes life so special- not it’s length but the amount of unpredictability in the short length of life.

So I’ll just hang in here, continue to work hard and wait for that heavenly sign that will enlighten me and show me the rest of my life.